The Sky, The Clouds and I .....

2011 Tuesday, Feb 22, Morning Sunny Skies.

Lately, I catch myself looking up at the sky very often. I supposed I had wanted to see if the clouds are carrying my Dad on it. I know it's wishful thinking but I had wanted to find some solace knowing that he is up there amongst the clouds looking down on me, protecting me, loving me still. And I guess I had my answer ....
I had looked very intently at every passing cloud, in all shapes and sizes, to see and hope fervently that one would manifest or shaped itself into him, just for my eyes only. Yes, I know, it is all me and my imagination, working in overdrive.
And, apart from me being a little crazy, I'd never noticed how beautiful the sky is until now. More like, I had never taken the time to really look up and see what's up there all this time. It's beyond beautiful and it speaks a thousand words.
For instance, there was the time when I was at the memorial park selecting my Dad's final resting place, and I was searching for affirmation and guidance from him, but was lost as he's not physically here anymore telling me what to do. Feeling so sad and surreal, I had looked up at the sky and had  thought at that moment that the sky feels the same way too as it had started drizzling down. Suddenly, through the blanket of murky wet clouds, a ray of really bright golden light shone through in the middle of it creating this unbelievable beautiful shimmery aura of sunshine, as if it was telling me, not all is lost. Hope will always be there guiding me on, and that Dad is shining the path in front for me, making sure that I will never be lost, that I will find my way and my answers somehow. Even when I am in the depths of sorrow and pain, like now, there will always be a little corner somewhere with his light waiting to shine through to guide and lead me on.... when I am ready to face it.
From then onwards, I started looking up, earnestly.
Anyway, I have always looked up, especially, at my Dad, him being 6' tall and all. But else than that, I'd looked up to him for being my Hero, my Confidante, my Friend, my Everything. And, he knew me so well too. I think, sometimes, better than a Dad would normally knows and understands his children.
From really complicated to simple things, such as how Dad knew that I like bright pastel colours - pinks, yellows, sweet girly colours.... and nowadays, I noticed that the sky and clouds are always laced with ripples of my favourite colours especially around dusk, at the end of a hard day's work. Maybe it had always been there but I'd never taken notice until now. Just like always, taking things and people for granted. Sigh. So, is it too late to start being grateful now ? I supposed it is still alright as long as we realise our wrongful ways and want to make amends....
But, most importantly, I, now, know my answer. I know that even after his passing ~ in his many loving ways, my Dad still paints and creates wonderful pictures and stories for me to make me happy, just like he always does for his Sunshine.
Only this time, his canvas and his storyboard is the sky.
I love you, Dad.
Miss you so much,
Su Yi

He asked me to Smile .....

2011 Monday, Feb 14, Sunny Skies.

The other day, when I was driving home from work, my feelings and my thoughts still so overwhelmed with sadness thinking about Dad, a song, not just any songs, but one of his favourites, came over the radio.

At that moment, everything stopped. And I felt like, my Dad knew what I was going through and had wanted to comfort me, asking me to be strong, be happy - just look for the silver linings in the clouds.

I felt him close, so close..... it was as if he was talking to me, telling me how he would want me to go on with my life.

And, he said to me ~

" Smile though your heart is aching
  Smile even though it’s breaking
  When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by

  If you smile through your fear and sorrow
  Smile and maybe tomorrow
  You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

  Light up your face with gladness
  Hide every trace of sadness
  Although a tear may be ever so near
  That’s the time you must keep on trying
  Smile what’s the use of crying
  You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
  If you just smile

  When there are clouds in the sky
  You’ll get by if you smile
  And maybe tomorrow
  You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

  Light up your face with gladness
  Hide every trace of sadness
  Although a tear may be ever so near
  That’s the time you must keep on trying
  Smile what’s the use of crying
  You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
  If you just smile "

There were no stopping the tears that flowed down my face. It was just like him, to always look at a glass half full in any situation, as he believed there is always a bright side to things no matter how bad it may be. Thus, when you have an optimistic outlook on and about the situation, and in life as well, half the battle is won.

Dad's famous gapped-tooth grin

That was what he used to say to me when I am stucked in a dilemma or when I am being difficult. And this time, there is no difference. No matter how dire and gut-wrenching it may be, he would want me to smile, through my tears, fears and all. Face it like a good girl should.


So, I will try. It is a lot of hard work, but, I will try. For him and for me.


But give me time, Dad. It is not so easy this time 'round, but, I promise I will try. I will try to win this battle, but I'll be on my own this time.......

Yes, I know, Dad. You won't let me walk alone.


I Love You, Dad.


Trying to smile again,
Su Yi

p.s. the song played on air was Josh Groban's Smile.

Final Resting Place & A Miracle ......

2011 Friday, Feb 11, Sunny Skies.

Today is my beloved Dad's 7th week anniversary after his passing. In Buddhism, it is believed that yesterday, the 49th day, was the last day his soul lingers on earth and today he would return 'home' to where he originally came from, the Western Pure Land.

In this place, from a stone to the birds and even clouds, are in gold. My Dad will also be in gold.

And, here on earth, we try to find a place as near perfect as possible as the final resting place for his ashes, and hence, his ashes are now placed at the Nilai Memorial Park's Water Village Columbarium. This place is equally enchanting, as best as man can make, I guess. The sound of birds chirping and water flowing surrounds his final resting place and it is, really, a very nice place. At least, for me, it is.

And I do 'feel' that this would be where he would want his ashes to be placed. Why do I say that ? Because he was with me when I went to select his 'home'.

You see, I was shown two places for selection, I was first shown to theWater Village Columbarium and later to the other columbarium, a so-called air-conditioned 'Bungalow'. I personally really like the air-cond bungalow, compared to the water village, for I felt at peace when I entered that columbarium but my other family members who came with me, felt otherwise - they thought it felt too 'cold', and not just because of the air-conditioning .......

So I went back to the Water Village to view the particular niche box again which I had earlier short-listed, and as I was walking into the columbarium, I whispered 'Dad, so which one do you prefer ? The air-cond Bungalow or this place - the water village?' And the moment I looked up at the selected niche box, I saw a tiny little spider sitting right in the center of the niche box cover ! I mean there were many many niche boxes there but Mr Spider just did not go anywhere for the 15 minutes I was there. So that had to be his answer, right? So I made the decision to confirm the box at the Water Village Columbarium there and then. The moment I made  that choice, I felt a sudden calmness came over me and I know I had made the right decision for him.....

A few days later, as I was just rummaging through my Dad's wallet to find his ID, I saw this lottery ticket he bought the weekend before he passed away, ( he normally buys a small token without fail on Sundays ~ old habits die hard ) and I noticed the 4-digit number that he bought actually coincides with his niche box number, ( the number was the other way round) but yet....... ! It was like as if he'd subconsciously knew then, I mean, of all the combinations of numbers out there he had to pick this one....! It's unbelievable! I was shocked and in awed ; and at that moment in time, I believed in miracles do happen. And, it further reconfirmed the rightness of my choice.



The view from my Dad's resting place

 Now, everytime I visit him at his new 'home' on earth, it felt right and it felt good. I honestly feel that he is truly resting in peace and for that, I am at peace too knowing he is 'happy' where he is now.

But, then again, my Dad would always be happy with anything I choose, make or buy for him,  for he'll be contented, and he will be grinning from ear-to-ear because it's from his 'Sunshine' ~ me.

In his own words, I am his Sunshine deeply treasured.......

I Love You, Dad.

His Sunshine,
Su Yi

Time Heals All Wounds ......

2011 Wednesday, Feb 9, Sunny Skies.

Yes, I definitely believe that time heals all wounds, but the real question is, how long must I wait for it to start healing, let alone, to fully recover.
And, patience, unfortunately, is not one of my greatest virtues.
Since that sad fateful day, friends and relatives, near and far, had been putting forth their heartfelt condolences. And most often, I will hear them consoling me that 'Time Heals All Wounds'. For some of them, it has been a personal experience as well.
I know it's true because I have been through a few boy-girl relationships' heartbreaks and time did heal those tiny little cracks, in fact, it took only a week or two, and my dear dad was there the whole time to hold my hand throughout these so-called 'love ordeals'.
But nothing compares to this. This is major heart failure. I doubt my heart will fully recover from this tremendous loss. But I do hope that time will help lessen the pain that has been throbbing unceasingly along with my heartbeat.
I hope for that day to come when I can let go and look back on this excruciating bittersweet journey, and hopefully, by then, the pain will be more bearable. Again, I doubt it will ever cease being painful.
Until then, I hope I can carry on with life just like how he would like for me to live it ...... with grace and dignity, full of love and laughter, and most importantly, be a good person ~ as a daughter, a wife, a friend.
I know this would be his wish for me.
And he would never let me walk alone.
With sweet butterfly kisses,
Su Yi

Waiting for a New Dawn to Break .......

2011 Tuesday, Feb 8, Sunny Skies.

I started this blog as a mean to escape.

Escape from the onslaught of pain I am constantly feeling from the passing of my dearest and most beloved Papa.

He'd left for a better place, back in the loving palm of Buddha, on Christmas Eve, 24th December, 2010.

His passing was extremely unexpected that it left no room for preparation ~ emotionally, I was a wreck. My journey since then, albeit short with just over a month, had seemed so long, so surreal, I am still learning to accept that he is gone. Writing about him in past tense is extremely difficult as well. My train of thoughts are not doing very well either, it is still all over the place.

This is when the ' what ifs ' and ' I wished I had ' start setting in....... and they are making themselves right at home in my heart, with my conscience so weighted down that I find it hard to breathe at times.

My mind kept playing back memories of our time spent together, 'if' there were times and places that I'd not fulfilled my promises to him.... and I found aplenty.

But, a Dad, being a Dad, especially MY Dad, never once took me to tasks. For him, it was enough that I had had the thought to do whatever I was supposed to do for or with him. If I am able to fulfill them, then he'll be more than happy, but if due to whatever circumstances that it's not done, it's ok for him too, because what matters most is the thoughts that count. And so he says...

Therefore, this blog is lovingly dedicated to my confidante, my friend and most of all, my beloved Papa whom I had been extremely blessed to have shared 35 glorious years with.

I want to put down in writing of all the things and lessons in life he had taught me and shared with me, of all the glory he had once chanced upon and achieved in abundance, and of all the stories he had told me, which until today, I still hold all and every single one of them very close and dear to my heart.

I just hope I am not too late in sharing his story.... and mine too.

Butterfly kisses, Su Yi